[I didn’t actually write this to ask for others’ sympathy. I just want to express myself]
Today, October 22, is supposed to be our second practice for our upcoming stage play on Oct. 30. But I wasn’t able to attend.
I started my day by waking up around 7am to prepare for the practice, I immediately ate my breakfast and took a bath. When I got out from the comfort room, our maid asked where I was planning to go. I told her that I have to leave early and head to our practice in Ayala Triangle before 9am so I can cope up with being almost two hours late yesterday. Then, she asked me, “May pera ka ba?” Of course I was like, “Aren’t you gonna give me? I already spent the 100 you gave me yesterday.” And she said, “Wag ka na munang umalis, wala na akong maibibigay sayo, pang-budget na lang to sa pagkain nyo. Next week pa ata magpapadala si mommy mo.”
Isn’t it funny how my classmates are expecting me to be this rich girl in class and now here I am, not even having a single penny to go to the practice. I hope someday they’ll realize I’m really not the kind of girl they think I am.
So I stayed in our house, feeling bad about myself. I am sure that they are talking about me wondering I wasn’t around and maybe, saying even harsher words about me.
That’s why right now, even without knowing what they’re telling me, I want to say sorry.
To all the leaders and members who attended earlier:
Sorry for not being able to go to the practice. As a leader myself, I know I have to set an example for the others but instead of doing that, I am the one being “attitude” Sorry for disappointing everyone.
If you are planning to remove or dismiss me as a leader/director. Then I guess I can’t blame you for doing so. I am willing to be a propsmen, anyway.
I am deeply sorry earlier, yes. And I think it’s time for me to say all the things I have been keeping to myself ever since I was appointed as the director together with you. I’ve always always hated you whenever we had practices…. [cricket sounds] Why? Because we always have to argue about how a scene must be done or how it must look like, and in the end? what happens? You always win 🙂 having what I suggested thrown away. Remember yesterday when we are directing a scene of Oedipus together with his daughters. I told them it would be better if Ella is being taken already before Oedipus even delivers his line, but you rejected that saying it was wrong and did it your own way. You even said, “She can’t picture what I’m thinking.” which was kinda offensive in my part. It’s like saying, “Wag kang magmarunong, hindi mo kasi naiintindihan yung sinasabi ko.” So, I said, “Well then, assistant director lang naman ako.” And you gave me a, “What?!” Well, I feel that everytime we are having pratices, I feel like I’m not a director, Abi is the only director, guys. That’s why sometimes, I just don’t want to attend anymore. Tbh, what I hate the most is the feeling of being rejected; throwing or trashing my suggestions away like those were just a piece of shit. That didn’t happen only once, I just cannot recall the other times it has happened.
There were times when you are asking me, “Sarah, what do you think?” and I answer, “Oh okay na yan,” but no, it wasn’t really okay for me. The reason I said that was because I already know that even though I suggest something different you will always have a reason to oppose what I am saying. I usually don’t direct too, just sit in a place, watch how you direct them, like a ghost. But little you didn’t know, there were many ideas in my mind. I always kept this burden, not telling anyone else, just forgetting what happened and moving on, but I just can’t take it anymore.
Maybe, I really don’t deserve to be a director at all. Maybe yes, you’re suggestions are a lot creative than mine and I just have to accept that fact. Wait tho, although I said I hate you during pratices, doesn’t mean, I hate you in usual days, too. I don’t. I really don’t. In fact I enjoy being in your company. That is why I really feel happy whenever we will not have a practice for at least on that day I will not keep any burden from you.
I hope you’ll understand all of this. I don’t need you to apologize, as well. (You don’t have to, anyway) I already realized how stupid I am for arguing with you. I have thought of this for many days by now, and I think I’m better off with being a propsmen.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~ that’s everything. Sorry for the lengthy message.