I wonder how it feels like being happy with my life

14274467_1694993187488558_1183094722_oJust every second of everyday, I feel so depressed to the point that it’s already affecting how I view life as a whole and actually regret living.

Currently, I stopped studying due to financial incapability. Even my tuition fee for the last semester hasn’t been paid yet and god I am actually glad my school isn’t email-ing me yet or actually asking me when I would pay. It was only my mother who’s supporting the studies of both my brother and I because her and my father were already separated ever since and I do understand that my father has to support his other children’s education as well. Everything was going on well not until my mother has informed us that she can no longer work abroad for she has lots, like really really huge debt there, she told us she’s just gonna pay for it then return here in our country. And so she did. And that fact adds up to the depression I am undergoing since it’s pretty obvious that by going home, she doesn’t have any plans on working anymore. So I know it’s all on me to earn for and support myself.

Seeing my friends’ happy pictures without me makes me so so much sad. I feel so bad that I have refrained talking to them anymore because I am too embarrassed to say I stopped schooling because I do not want getting pitied at. I want them to know I am all fine, although I am not. Right now, I’ve rejected 11 debut invitations just to get rid of them @_@ Seeing other people happy makes me feel insecure as well. Everytime I think of the bad things that are happening to my life, I am starting to even doubt the existence of God, because if He really is there, then why would He just let me suffer too much when He knows I’ve already been through tough times during my childhood. Is He really this unfair that He lets other people happy while leaving others sad and to think most happy people I know haven’t experienced hardships, not even a bit.

Just because I stopped studying doesn’t mean I’m okay with just laying down my bed all day, playing video games and actually being worthless. But ironically, that is what I am doing right now x). I am 17 years of age by now and I just had my birthday recently, yay! But since that is still considered as underage here in our country, I’m so much much much having a hard time finding a job. I still tried though, I applied as a crew in McDonalds, the interview went well, the test was pretty easy and the OJE was not a big problem too, but the moment they told me they’ll just call me to know when I should start, that’s the point where I realized I am not accepted. Telling me at least a reason why I should not be hired would be enough because being left wondering why is definitely not a good feeling.

Another thing I am being depressed about is that I feel like I do not have any talent. Like seriously, I feel like when God had showered talents all over the place, I was under the shade of my umbrella so I didn’t get any 🙂 And honestly right now, I feel like things would be easier if I just had any talent because I can just easily join contests or pageants, something like those, just to earn money with. I am really a shy person, but I feel like I can do anything right now, even if it means dying for it just so I can help my parents. *sigh*

I am very active on facebook as of the moment, and I always find myself sharing depression memes because I can feel like they can literally understand the things I am going through. I’m not even sure. They made me feel like it’s okay to feel depressed. It’s okay to feel bad about being alive, everyone feels it. And makes me feel like I am not alone, especially.

But let’s face the truth, depression is not a joke. It’s a serious problem and should not be laughed at nor use as a thing for looking cool. It’s not some kind of trend that would make you want it so you’ll fit in with everyone. I am well aware of all of these yet I still can’t help myself but to think I am better off being dead. Ironically, I always pray to God that he just kill me because it’s the only way to end all these pain I am having. But I know he’ll never do that :3 But with all these misery I am not sure what the point of my life is anymore. Was I born just to experience suffering?

 

 

 

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