December 6, 7:16 AM
It is indeed too early for tears but I guess a little crying would help.
There’s just so much pain inside me right now that I do not know where or how I could I start this entry but I’ll just let my fingers type down everything in the order my heart tells me to.
I wonder when the pain will ever end? When will this depression ever stop? When will I ever experience happiness without something being taken away from me in return? When can I ever smile genuinely again? When will I be able to face my friends without having something about myself to hide?
Recently, I’ve met someone who has made my days feel a little lighter. He is a good person and not so long after meeting, we’ve been able to immediately relate to each other because of maybe, the similarities we have. He likes games as much as I do but he’s far far more pro than I am. Despite that, he still invites me to play with him and doesn’t mind me doing bad or us losing the game. Also, he would often let me tell him stories about my life and be sad about it with me but he has never failed on cheering me up and doing things to help me. In exchange, he would also tell me things about himself, everything about his friends, how he’s doing at work, how close he is to his sister, and how fun it is living in another country and sad at the same time. To be honest, it kinda makes me envious seeing how he seems very contented and happy with his life but I am just glad that at least, even if I tell him every bad thing I am currently experiencing, he wouldn’t be very affected by it. However, what makes me fond of him is that although we aren’t on the same situation, he guarantees that I wake up and sleep knowing that my life matters regardless of how much I want to end it. He’s really a good friend. It’s nice having him in my company and I hope our friendship would last for so so long.
If there is one thing I have realized because of being friends with him, it is that I should not give in to my depression and start thinking about my life. It’s that I cannot forever hide and be embarrassed about myself but do something to make myself better. And so I did. I immediately started talking to my mother about how I am eager to continue my studies and that I really want to graduate no matter how tough our life is right now. I told her as soon as I get 18 and find a job, I’ll pay my school fees so she doesn’t have anything to worry about. She happily agreed to it. She told me she’ll save up and pay my remaining balance from my last university so I can retrieve my documents and apply for another next academic year. I felt relieved after that. I promised myself to be a little positive and be patient on waiting for the right times.
Days and weeks after that, I could swear that I felt lighter. The depression still kicks in but not as much as before. Things were already going well until something unexpected happened. Yesterday, I found out that my mom lost her job due to being unable to pass the training for being a regular call center agent.
It shocked me to the point that I was trying to sleep but suddenly, my mind fully woke up. I didn’t exactly know what to feel, I was shocked and sad and curious and doubtful. I didn’t want to believe it. Then in the middle of their talking my grandmother told me that things would have been better if I had a job and now that my mom has no work anymore, how are we going to pay for the house bills and stuff. She told me I better get up and immediately find a work too since my mom’s getting old and she shouldn’t be the one working for us.
That made me feel bad and I know my mother did feel worse because of that too. I know in myself that I should be the one working instead of my mom, but she need not to tell me that. Especially not that time when my mom feels disappointed as well.
It bothered me and kept me thinking the whole day. I felt like every little bubble of hope that was instilled inside me had been popped out and I did not feel like doing anything for the rest of the day.
My mother doesn’t seem well likewise. She rarely got out of her bed yesterday. Seeing her like that makes me uncomfortable. I knew she worked really hard on her training and I’ve been a witness of that. Yes, there were times when she was stressing me out by letting me help her in her word files and getting them printed out or whenever she tells me to ask her stuff during her reviews. I also get annoyed sometimes when she asks me to buy things she needs in her work. But after seeing her in that state, I regretted everything bad that I felt. I had thought that maybe that wouldn’t have happened if only I helped and assisted her more. 😦
At that point I realized, I am not sad because of the painful things my grandmother had told me but because I do not like seeing my mother who I know has tried her best in so much pain. This would be ironic coming from someone like me, who doesn’t show much affection to my family more so to my mother because of reasons from the past. But I have already forgiven her. Thus, I do not like how she would tell only my cousin how bad she feels because we’re not that close. But I do not have the right to feel this way. I should be thankful she has someone she can talk her grudge with. But to be honest, I wish we had the mother and daughter bond.
I hope her pain ends soon. She doesn’t deserve anything of these. She doesn’t deserve to fail any more. She had been through so much and I don’t think it’s reasonable for her to be hurt more. She doesn’t deserve this life, especially a daughter like me. I am sorry that of all the people in the world, it is I who was entitled to her, I who can’t even make her feel better at times like this when I know I should be the one to. All I can do is to watch her be unwell and do the things she asks me to without complaining. Of all the things I can be bad at, I became terrible at being a daughter.
But if only I can have all the pain she’s feeling right now, please pass it on to me. I’ll be very grateful to have it. :c