44th day

Nov. 7, 2017

I thought I was okay…
Okay enough to not breakdown upon hearing your name, seeing your pictures, hearing your voice messages, imagining you with someone else or actually, any possible thing that could happen but everytime I am alone and struggling and crying because of all the terrible things happening in my life or even when I am giddy, full of good news I want to let you know immediately or happy with even the littlest thing I have achieved, it’s still you who my heart and my mind calls for and everytime that happens, I feel like every effort I have exerted to move on goes into waste. I see myself hurting and crying and destroying myself again begging you to come back to me and desperately asking for your love again. You taught me how to be strong but you never told me I’d have to be strong for when you’re gone. Damn who knew I’d love you this hard?


sad onion

December 6, 7:16 AM

It is indeed too early for tears but I guess a little crying would help.

There’s just so much pain inside me right now that I do not know where or how I could I start this entry but I’ll just let my fingers type down everything in the order my heart tells me to.

I wonder when the pain will ever end? When will this depression ever stop? When will I ever experience happiness without something being taken away from me in return? When can I ever smile genuinely again? When will I be able to face my friends without having something about myself to hide?

Recently, I’ve met someone who has made my days feel a little lighter. He is a good person and not so long after meeting, we’ve been able to immediately relate to each other because of maybe, the similarities we have. He likes games as much as I do but he’s far far more pro than I am. Despite that, he still invites me to play with him and doesn’t mind me doing bad or us losing the game. Also, he would often let me tell him stories about my life and be sad about it with me but he has never failed on cheering me up and doing things to help me. In exchange, he would also tell me things about himself, everything about his friends, how he’s doing at work, how close he is to his sister, and how fun it is living in another country and sad at the same time. To be honest, it kinda makes me envious seeing how he seems very contented and happy with his life but I am just glad that at least, even if I tell him every bad thing I am currently experiencing, he wouldn’t be very affected by it. However, what makes me fond of him is that although we aren’t on the same situation, he guarantees that I wake up and sleep knowing that my life matters regardless of how much I want to end it. He’s really a good friend. It’s nice having him in my company and I hope our friendship would last for so so long.

If there is one thing I have realized because of being friends with him, it is that I should not give in to my depression and start thinking about my life. It’s that I cannot forever hide and be embarrassed about myself but do something to make myself better. And so I did. I immediately started talking to my mother about how I am eager to continue my studies and that I really want to graduate no matter how tough our life is right now. I told her as soon as I get 18 and find a job, I’ll pay my school fees so she doesn’t have anything to worry about. She happily agreed to it. She told me she’ll save up and pay my remaining balance from my last university so I can retrieve my documents and apply for another next academic year. I felt relieved after that. I promised myself to be a little positive and be patient on waiting for the right times.

Days and weeks after that, I could swear that I felt lighter. The depression still kicks in but not as much as before. Things were already going well until something unexpected happened. Yesterday, I found out that my mom lost her job due to being unable to pass the training for being a regular call center agent.

—-crying break—–


It shocked me to the point that I was trying to sleep but suddenly, my mind fully woke up. I didn’t exactly know what to feel, I was shocked and sad and curious and doubtful. I didn’t want to believe it. Then in the middle of their talking my grandmother told me that things would have been better if I had a job and now that my mom has no work anymore, how are we going to pay for the house bills and stuff. She told me I better get up and immediately find a work too since my mom’s getting old and she shouldn’t be the one working for us.

That made me feel bad and I know my mother did feel worse because of that too. I know in myself that I should be the one working instead of my mom, but she need not to tell me that. Especially not that time when my mom feels disappointed as well.

It bothered me and kept me thinking the whole day. I felt like every little bubble of hope that was instilled inside me had been popped out and I did not feel like doing anything for the rest of the day.

My mother doesn’t seem well likewise. She rarely got out of her bed yesterday. Seeing her like that makes me uncomfortable. I knew she worked really hard on her training and I’ve been a witness of that. Yes, there were times when she was stressing me out by letting me help her in her word files and getting them printed out or whenever she tells me to ask her stuff during her reviews. I also get annoyed sometimes when she asks me to buy things she needs in her work. But after seeing her in that state, I regretted everything bad that I felt. I had thought that maybe that wouldn’t have happened if only I helped and assisted her more. 😦

At that point I realized, I am not sad because of the painful things my grandmother had told me but because I do not like seeing my mother who I know has tried her best in so much pain. This would be ironic coming from someone like me, who doesn’t show much affection to my family more so to my mother because of reasons from the past. But I have already forgiven her. Thus, I do not like how she would tell only my cousin how bad she feels because we’re not that close. But I do not have the right to feel this way. I should be thankful she has someone she can talk her grudge with. But to be honest, I wish we had the mother and daughter bond.

I hope her pain ends soon. She doesn’t deserve anything of these. She doesn’t deserve to fail any more. She had been through so much and I don’t think it’s reasonable for her to be hurt more. She doesn’t deserve this life, especially a daughter like me. I am sorry that of all the people in the world, it is I who was entitled to her, I who can’t even make her feel better at times like this when I know I should be the one to. All I can do is to watch her be unwell and do the things she asks me to without complaining. Of all the things I can be bad at, I became terrible at being a daughter.

But if only I can have all the pain she’s feeling right now, please pass it on to me. I’ll be very grateful to have it. :c

things i do not deserve :(

I know at times like these, I should just be thankful and show my gratefulness but seeing how people even thought of me when they can buy things for themselves makes me feel guilty. I do not deserve being treated this way for I know in myself that I have failed being a friend/pal/buddy/older sis/girlfriend. I am sorry for not being able to return the favor by giving them something they would enjoy as well but I know, by the time I had a more productive life, I would remember them big time and consider making them happy too instead of only making myself one.

I may not have a very comfortable life right now but I am sure blessed with friends and people who care a lot for me and are concern about my own welfare and that’s something more than what I deserve 😦

I love you all! Thank you so much for everything. You guys will be in my heart forever.


>pic related :Casdffghbj


why i love my kuya pt.1 of 9999999

Habang kumakain ng hapunan

*eat eat nom nom*

Mama: Oh, pagkatapos nyan, kayo na maghugas ng pinagkainan nyo
Kuya: Sachi, ikaw na yan hahaha ako na kaninang umaga
Me: Sige ako na maghuhugas basta siguraduhin mo na walang ipis sa cr o kahit anong insekto
Kuya: lol yun lang eh
Me: Ncnc good trade yun 😀

*1 minute later*

Kuya: Wala na, wala na don yung ipis.
Me: Wehhh? Bat ang bilis mo naman? Walisin mo nga yung sa may kisame andun yung ipis kanina eh
Kuya: *kumuha talaga ng walis at bumalik maya maya* oh ayan a, wala na talaga

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA so much love na may halong tinatamad din kasi siyang maghugas 😛 ❤ at ayun, nakaligo ako nang walang insekto sa cr yeheeey (/^o^)/


Am I the only one having a hard time opening myself up to anyone? Sure, I do know I can easily distinguish people I can trust from people I cannot, but it’s still never going to be easy. Mainly because I am afraid of not being understood. There have been many times when I told other people the story of my life and all they had to say was they experience the same way. Am I the only one who actually gets annoyed by that?  I feel like, yeah, we may have experienced the same thing but you can still not know how I feel right now. And there are some people who would say,”It’s okay, everything’s gonna be alright.” Like that helps even a bit 😦 In my current situation I no longer think everything’s going to be actually okay. I feel like I am cursed to suffer all throughout my life. Encouraging words are nice but please do not think I’ll feel better from those. It’s not helping me in any way. It makes me feel worse since I only just realize that you can say that because you are not in my situation. Yeah, it’s gonna be alright for you, because you have many people to help you. But you will never know how I feel.

I wonder how it feels like being happy with my life

14274467_1694993187488558_1183094722_oJust every second of everyday, I feel so depressed to the point that it’s already affecting how I view life as a whole and actually regret living.

Currently, I stopped studying due to financial incapability. Even my tuition fee for the last semester hasn’t been paid yet and god I am actually glad my school isn’t email-ing me yet or actually asking me when I would pay. It was only my mother who’s supporting the studies of both my brother and I because her and my father were already separated ever since and I do understand that my father has to support his other children’s education as well. Everything was going on well not until my mother has informed us that she can no longer work abroad for she has lots, like really really huge debt there, she told us she’s just gonna pay for it then return here in our country. And so she did. And that fact adds up to the depression I am undergoing since it’s pretty obvious that by going home, she doesn’t have any plans on working anymore. So I know it’s all on me to earn for and support myself.

Seeing my friends’ happy pictures without me makes me so so much sad. I feel so bad that I have refrained talking to them anymore because I am too embarrassed to say I stopped schooling because I do not want getting pitied at. I want them to know I am all fine, although I am not. Right now, I’ve rejected 11 debut invitations just to get rid of them @_@ Seeing other people happy makes me feel insecure as well. Everytime I think of the bad things that are happening to my life, I am starting to even doubt the existence of God, because if He really is there, then why would He just let me suffer too much when He knows I’ve already been through tough times during my childhood. Is He really this unfair that He lets other people happy while leaving others sad and to think most happy people I know haven’t experienced hardships, not even a bit.

Just because I stopped studying doesn’t mean I’m okay with just laying down my bed all day, playing video games and actually being worthless. But ironically, that is what I am doing right now x). I am 17 years of age by now and I just had my birthday recently, yay! But since that is still considered as underage here in our country, I’m so much much much having a hard time finding a job. I still tried though, I applied as a crew in McDonalds, the interview went well, the test was pretty easy and the OJE was not a big problem too, but the moment they told me they’ll just call me to know when I should start, that’s the point where I realized I am not accepted. Telling me at least a reason why I should not be hired would be enough because being left wondering why is definitely not a good feeling.

Another thing I am being depressed about is that I feel like I do not have any talent. Like seriously, I feel like when God had showered talents all over the place, I was under the shade of my umbrella so I didn’t get any 🙂 And honestly right now, I feel like things would be easier if I just had any talent because I can just easily join contests or pageants, something like those, just to earn money with. I am really a shy person, but I feel like I can do anything right now, even if it means dying for it just so I can help my parents. *sigh*

I am very active on facebook as of the moment, and I always find myself sharing depression memes because I can feel like they can literally understand the things I am going through. I’m not even sure. They made me feel like it’s okay to feel depressed. It’s okay to feel bad about being alive, everyone feels it. And makes me feel like I am not alone, especially.

But let’s face the truth, depression is not a joke. It’s a serious problem and should not be laughed at nor use as a thing for looking cool. It’s not some kind of trend that would make you want it so you’ll fit in with everyone. I am well aware of all of these yet I still can’t help myself but to think I am better off being dead. Ironically, I always pray to God that he just kill me because it’s the only way to end all these pain I am having. But I know he’ll never do that :3 But with all these misery I am not sure what the point of my life is anymore. Was I born just to experience suffering?




Gratefulness and Contentment

I thank God for waking me up today. For giving me another day, another chance to live. The moment I woke up, I was surprised by the huge feast we had for breakfast. I was able to make myself full. Then, my grandma also prepared my lunchbox with two separate pieces of bread. It’s not everyday that I get to east breakfast before going to school and have my baon. That was why, just from those, I already felt that today will be a good and blessed day. It was already a little late when I left the house, so I immediately rode a jeepney to school. While on my way, a child stepped in the jeepney and asked for alms. He was a little boy, has an age ranging from between 8-10 maybe who was very thin, smelly, and has a skin full of dirt. It was very evident that maybe he has been spending his everyday, from day to night , stepping in jeepneys and asking passengers for alms. He gave each passenger, including me, a small torn-into-half envelope into which we are to put the coins we’ll be giving. I held tight to it. At the back part, there was a message saying, “Pangkain lang po.” Still , most of the people ignored the envelope, to the point that one actually fell and flew outside of the jeepney. As for myself, I have been used to not giving alms to beggars, not because I have nothing to give but because my grandparents had told me not to for it would just mean tolerating them to.bot work and ask for food and money, instead. But, one thing that struck me was when an old lady, sitted beside me gave him her brown bag of bread; i knew because of the smell. She also told the boy, “God bless, nak,” and smiled at him. My heart felt relieved after seeing that. However, in the end, I still wasn’t able to give anything. At some point , I wanted to just give him the pieces of bread on my lunchbox but my grandparents’ reminder held me back. Before the boy stepped out, he checked every envelope but he got nothing, the only thing he has as he went down was the bag of bread.

As my journey to school proceeded, I came to realize how lucky I was that I am able to eat at least twice a day. How I am very blessed that I have at least my grandparents  with me who are always here to guide and help me. Honestly, my life, according to others is miserable, for my family is broken, I am not living with my parents and that my relatives don’t know where to get the payment needed for my tuition fee. But still, I am very lucky to be able to continue schooling.

That very scene in the jeepney dealt so much impact on me. I should have given him alms, I should have given him at least my two bread I have. I felt so much regret because of that. I can’t help myself from thinking how the boy should be able to survive for the following days, or how he can actually survive this day when all he has was the bag of bread. I also asked myself where his parents are or if someone as kind as that old lady would give him something he can consume to settle for a day. In the end, I felt very much grateful, too. I have learned that I should not just take things for granted and be thankful even for the little things He has offered me for there are lots of things I am enjoying right now that others can’t even afford to have or will never be able to experience.

This was written last February 15,2016. Never had time to update this blog xD 😊

5 Things You Can Do To Make A Quiet Person Feel Bad

Thought Catalog

1. Ask the quiet person why he’s so quiet

Asking a quiet person why he’s so quiet is probably the easiest and most effective way of making him feel bad. “Why are you so quiet,” you’ll ask, a vaguely amused and curious expression on your face, as if the quiet person was merely a cute child serving as amusement for a group of inquisitive adults. “Uh…” the quiet person will stammer, failing to make eye contact, and most likely noticing that he’s failing to make eye contact. “I don’t know. Am I quiet? I’m just this way…” Here follows from the quiet person a string of mumbling not discernable to the listener.

The problem with asking a quiet person why he’s so quiet is multifaceted: a) because severe quietude in social situations runs counter to public convention, it’s not unreasonable for the typical quiet person to be at least somewhat…

View original post 658 more words

As much as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons

[I didn’t actually write this to ask for others’ sympathy. I just want to express myself]

Today, October 22, is supposed to be our second practice for our upcoming stage play on Oct. 30. But I wasn’t able to attend.
I started my day by waking up around 7am to prepare for the practice, I immediately ate my breakfast and took a bath. When I got out from the comfort room, our maid asked where I was planning to go. I told her that I have to leave early and head to our practice in Ayala Triangle before 9am so I can cope up with being almost two hours late yesterday. Then, she asked me, “May pera ka ba?” Of course I was like, “Aren’t you gonna give me? I already spent the 100 you gave me yesterday.” And she said, “Wag ka na munang umalis, wala na akong maibibigay sayo, pang-budget na lang to sa pagkain nyo. Next week pa ata magpapadala si mommy mo.”
Isn’t it funny how my classmates are expecting me to be this rich girl in class and now here I am, not even having a single penny to go to the practice. I hope someday they’ll realize I’m really not the kind of girl they think I am.

So I stayed in our house, feeling bad about myself. I am sure that they are talking about me wondering I wasn’t around and maybe, saying even harsher words about me.

That’s why right now, even without knowing what they’re telling me, I want to say sorry.

To all the leaders and members who attended earlier:

Sorry for not being able to go to the practice. As a leader myself, I know I have to set an example for the others but instead of doing that, I am the one being “attitude” Sorry for disappointing everyone.

If you are planning to remove or dismiss me as a leader/director. Then I guess I can’t blame you for doing so. I am willing to be a propsmen, anyway.

To Abi,

I am deeply sorry earlier, yes. And I think it’s time for me to say all the things I have been keeping to myself ever since I was appointed as the director together with you. I’ve always always hated you whenever we had practices…. [cricket sounds] Why? Because we always have to argue about how a scene must be done or how it must look like, and in the end? what happens? You always win 🙂 having what I suggested thrown away. Remember yesterday when we are directing a scene of Oedipus together with his daughters. I told them it would be better if Ella is being taken already before Oedipus even delivers his line, but you rejected that saying it was wrong and did it your own way. You even said, “She can’t picture what I’m thinking.” which was kinda offensive in my part. It’s like saying, “Wag kang magmarunong, hindi mo kasi naiintindihan yung sinasabi ko.” So, I said, “Well then, assistant director lang naman ako.” And you gave me a, “What?!” Well, I feel that everytime we are having pratices, I feel like I’m not a director, Abi is the only director, guys. That’s why sometimes, I just don’t want to attend anymore. Tbh, what I hate the most is the feeling of being rejected; throwing or trashing my suggestions away like those were just a piece of shit. That didn’t happen only once, I just cannot recall the other times it has happened.

There were times when you are asking me, “Sarah, what do you think?” and I answer, “Oh okay na yan,” but no, it wasn’t really okay for me. The reason I said that was because I already know that even though I suggest something different you will always have a reason to oppose what I am saying. I usually don’t direct too, just sit in a place, watch how you direct them, like a ghost. But little you didn’t know, there were many ideas in my mind. I always kept this burden, not telling anyone else, just forgetting what happened and moving on, but I just can’t take it anymore.

Maybe, I really don’t deserve to be a director at all. Maybe yes, you’re suggestions are a lot creative than mine and I just have to accept that fact. Wait tho, although I said I hate you during pratices, doesn’t mean, I hate you in usual days, too. I don’t. I really don’t. In fact I enjoy being in your company. That is why I really feel happy whenever we will not have a practice for at least on that day I will not keep any burden from you.

I hope you’ll understand all of this. I don’t need you to apologize, as well. (You don’t have to, anyway) I already realized how stupid I am for arguing with you. I have thought of this for many days by now, and I think I’m better off with being a propsmen.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~ that’s everything. Sorry for the lengthy message.